we apologize for the inconvenience

we apologize for the inconvenience, but some other motherfucker was supposed to work the counter today. Our counter is broken. Not our service counter but our money counter.  Three of the exits have been closed due to inclement weather.

we apologize for all the screaming. there will be a penalty for screaming. people who scream will be penalized except some of them will be hastily attended to, except no one will be hastily attended to. my service window will be closed while i wait on hold to speak to a customer service rep because their website is down and i have to pay my mortgage.

we’re out of that particular thing. that food and that item, please visit our other locations, in the past, out of the country, in the deep recesses of your imagination so you can feel yourself reaching for the thing you want and purchasing it satisfactorily before you turn around, leave head away, unfulfilled, into the rain and inclement weather. three of the exits have been closed due to inclement weather.  there is ice and small fires to combat the ice, and large nails embedded in the melting ice to help you gain traction.

sidewalk use is at your own risk.

“we” in our desks wearing our headsets trying to take bites of our sandwiches inbetween our scripted dialogue “apologize” to the extent that there are a set of given words that we are required to respond to your displeasure, words that in other circumstances mean that we are feeling empathetic towards your difficulty but in this situation the words really mean the opposite – the words mean we are not going to do anything so the apology is really for the inconvenience of the situation’s irreparable rift, you will be compensated wit

imagesa strategically worthless placebo solution, “for” because we are really more than anything anthropomorphically apologizing on the inconvenience’s behalf “the inconvenience” which could be anything between the loss of your home after the death of your father or a badly scratched netflix disk.

Hello Ms. Reiter this is your credit card company we just wanted to wish you a happy birthday. We just wanted to ask how your son is doing in school. We just wanted to know if you’re still having problems getting off during vaginal intercourse,because we’ve heard there are ways to fix that, if you can afford them, can you afford them? can we loan you some money so you can enjoy sex or so you can buy some donuts or some diet pills or donuts and dietpills or diet donuts or gastric bipass surgery. We were thinking about how the donuts at the little foodtruck outside of your school remind you of church bizzarres and stuffed animal prizes and childhood bullies and climbing up a tree as a child and facing the wind to sing a song you made up, and how all of those thoughts have been replaced by the pounding impending need to pay your bill from us which comes each month and how we fill your thoughts like a lover running through your mind over and over and over. Happy Birthday. You sure aren’t a child anymore.


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